Trying To Stand On My Own

2012-01-15T19:45:00.001-08:00

If I had known you were going to treat me like this, I would have never responded to your messages. You are a selfish jerk. You come when you want. You leave when you want. You speak to me only when you want. What about what I want? Here I am, alone, beaten and bloody, calling your number and you won't answer. You think I want you here just so I'm not alone. I want you hear so he stops showing up. But you're too caught up in your own life to see the bruises and scars in mine.

Even after all this time

2012-01-08T13:31:00.001-08:00

There are still days that I wake up and am confused as to why I am alone. And days that I just want you to walk up behind me and hold me close. Days that I wish you were here to talk to, to tell you about my day. But those days are long gone. I'm alone in this world. You've moved on so quickly and so fluently. It's almost as though I never existed. Maybe I never did.

2011-11-28T21:27:00.001-08:00

I'm tired of putting my heart on the line to get nothing in return. No calls. Nothing. And when he does stand me up, there's never an "I'll make it up to you". There's "get over it" and "I was busy" and "it's not my fault". Why am I worth so little?

Flashbacks

2011-08-16T17:03:00.000-07:00

And just when I think that maybe, someday, I'll feel whole again, you show up. You refuse to leave. The sight of you disgusts me. All the memories, fake as they were, come rushing back. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. I can't breathe, I can't see, I can't feel. My mind goes blank as I watch your mouth move. Knowing that everything that comes out of it is as much of a lie as our marriage was. Why can't you just leave me alone? Why do you have to keep pushing me down. I take one step forward just to have you push me two steps back. I'll never be free of you. There's really only one way out.

2011-07-22T08:39:00.001-07:00

In your arms, I remember who I used to be. What it means to smile, to laugh, to be myself. Thank you. Looking over your shoulder at the mountains that raised us, I know someday I will feel whole again.

My requests

2011-07-14T00:20:00.000-07:00

Here's what I want you to give me:
-my freedom
-the money you owe me
-a divorce

Here's what I want you to take:
-your ugly furniture
-your last name
-your crazy parents

Am I really asking too much?!

Maybe I'm not done yet

2011-07-10T22:47:00.001-07:00

Just when you start to think that the sun will never feel warm again, that silk will never feel smooth and soft, that cool, clear water will never refresh. Just when you think this black hole of self shame has filled your life, there he comes. There comes someone you barely thought you knew promising to wipe away your tears, to hold you close, to fix the hurt. And he's a million miles away. Separated by land and sea, mountains and forests and deserts. But somehow the words that flash across my screen sooth my worries, lighten my heart. I know I'll be okay. Not today and not tomorrow, but someday, I will be okay. Whether it's alone or with a heart to hold, eventually I will feel whole again.

Feeling nothing?

2011-07-08T10:47:00.001-07:00

I never understood how people could say they were so broken they could feel nothing. The deeper the break, the more I feel. Every touch is like fire burning through my clothing. Permanently branding my skin with the marks of a broken woman. Every noise so loud it hurts. Every word brings another stream of emotion to a mind I am afraid to explore. Sleep doesn't come. Afraid to close my eyes. Afraid to see into my mind. Terrified of what will be found there. And all around, I see lovers kissing. Birds singing. Hearts filled with joy. What I would give to be held tightly in the arms of a stranger. Of someone who cares not where I have been. Of what I have seen. Of what I can't escape.

Day 1.

2011-07-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

When you wake up in the morning and can't will yourself out of bed. When you don't feel anything but the sting of tears in your eyes. When every muscle in your body aches through to the bone. When there is no escape.